Yiddish Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer

artwork

Enemy Territory

The rabbi's sermon went on and on about how important it was to forgive people and reach out to them so as not to make enemies.

"Is there anyone in this synagogue who can honestly say they have no enemies?" asked the rabbi.

Not a hand went up. But a few moments later, a very elderly lady in the back row raised her frail little hand.

"Please, come up and tell us what you have done over all these years that you can be so confident you have no enemies," asked the rabbi.

Dutifully the old woman limped up to the front of the synagogue where she explained, "I outlived 'em all."

while arabs murder and commit mayhem, Israelis cause life

Rabbi Aryeh Markman of Aish HaTorah, Los Angeles, reports:

Israel's Achievements in the First Months of 2007

Despite the second Lebanon war, the divestments, and the Boycotts, Israel 's economy en j oyed the largest growth in its GNP of any Western country, at 8% for the last quarter of 2006. Foreign Investment hit a remarkable high of over US$13 billion and the budget Deficit was under 1%. Industrial exports, exclu ding diamonds, rose 11% to $29.3 billion in 2006 with the hi-tech sector leading the Increase, according to the Manufacturers Association of Israel. Israel 's hi-tech industry exported $14.1 billion in goods last year, Growing 20% from 2005.

What follows is a selection of Israel 's achievements in the first Month of 2007:

1. Scientists in Israel found that the brackish water drilled from Underground desert aquifers hundreds of feet deep could be used to raise warm-water fish. The geothermal water, less than one-tenth as saline as sea water, free of pollutants, and a toasty 98 degrees on average, proves an ideal environment.

2. Israeli-developed designer eyeglasses promise mobile phone and iPod Users a personalized, high-tech video display. Available to US Consumers next year, Lumus-Optical's lightweight and fashionable video Eyeglasses feature a large transparent screen floating in front of the Viewer's' face that
projects their choice of movie, TV show, or video Game.

3. When Stephen Hawkings visited Israel recently, he shared his wisdom with scientists, students, and even the prime minister. But the world's most renown victim of amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS), or Lou Gehrig's disease, also learned something - due to the Israeli Association for ALS' advanced work in both embryonic and adult stem Cell research, as well as its proven track record with Neurodegenerative diseases, the Israeli research community is well on Its way to finding a treatment for this fatal disease which affects 30,000 Americans.

4. Israeli start -up Veterix has developed an innovative new electronic Capsule that sits in the stomach of a cow, sheep, or goat, sending out real-time information on the health of the herd to the farmer via Email or cellphone. The e-capsule, which also sends out alerts if Animals are distressed, in j ured, or lost, is now being tested on a Herd of cows in the hopes that the device will lead to tastier and Healthier meat and milk supplies.

5. The millions of Skype users worldwide will soon have access to the Newly developed KishKish lie-detector. This free Internet service, based on voice stress analysis (a technique commonly used in criminal Investigations), will be able to measure j ust how truthful that person on the other end of the line really is.

6. Beating cardiac tissue has been created in a lab from human Embryonic stem cells by researchers at the Rappaport Medical Fa culty And the Technion-Israel Institute of Technology's biomedical Engineering faculty. The work of Dr. Shulamit Levenberg and Prof. Lior Gepstein has also led to the creation of tiny blood vessels within the Tissue, making possible its implantation in a human heart.

7. Israel 's Magal Security Systems is a worldwide leader in computerized security systems with products used in more than 70 Countries around the world protecting anything from national borders To nuclear facilities, refineries, and airports. The company's latest Product, DreamBox, a state-of-the-art security system that includes Intelligent video, audio and sensor management, is now being used by a Ma j or water authority on the US East Coast to safeguard the utility's Sites.

8. It's common knowledge that dogs have better night vision than Humans and a vastly superior sense of smell and hearing. Israel 's Bio-Sense Technologies recently delved further and electronically Analyzed 350 different barks. Finding that dogs of all breeds and Sizes bark the same alarm when they sense a threat, the firm has Designed the dog bark-reader, a sensor that can pick up a dog's alarm Bark and alert the human operators. This is j ust one of a batch of Innovative security systems to emerge from Israel , which Forbes calls "the go-to country anti-terrorism technologies."

9. Israeli company BioControl Medical sold its first electrical Stimulator to treat urinary incontinence to a US company for $50 Million. Now it is working on CardioFit, which uses electrical ner ve Stimulation to treat congestive heart failure. With nearly five Million Americans presently affected by heart failure and more than 400,000 new cases diagnosed yearly, the CardioFit is already Generating a great deal of excitement as the first device with the Potential to halt this deadly disease.

10. One year after Norway 's Socialist Left Party launched its boycott Israel , the importing of Israeli goods has increased by 15%, the strongest increase in many years, Statistics Norway reports.

In contrast to the efforts of tiny Israel to make contributions to the world so as to better mankind, one has to ask what have those who have strived to eliminate Israel from the face of the earth done other than to create hate and bloodshed. Please pass this on to all that may be interested in making our world a better place to live!

Article sources:
http://www.goodforthejews.com/achievements.htm
http://hedgehogcentral.blogspot.com/2007_07_01_archive.html

Big Trouble

There were two young brothers, 6 and 8 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous.
Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had a hand in it.
Their parents were at their wits' end trying to control them. Hearing about a rabbi nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to her husband that she would ask the rabbi to talk with the boys and he agreed. The mother went to the rabbi and made her request.
He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone.
So the mother sent the younger to the rabbi.
The rabbi sat the boy down across his HUGE, impressive desk. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the rabbi pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Young man, where is G-d?" The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, then said nothing.
Again, louder, the rabbi pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is G-d?" Again, the boy looked all around but said nothing.
A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the rabbi leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Young man, I ask you, where is G-d?"
The boy panicked and ran all the way home.
Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, "We're in Bi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-g trouble."
The older boy asked, "What do you mean, 'BIG trouble?'"
His brother replied, "I'm tellin' ya', we're in BIG trouble. G-d is missing and they think we did it !"

The Jewish sex life

Three old men are discussing their sex lives.

The Italian man says, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for 5 minutes at the end."

The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for 15 minutes."

The old Jewish man says, "Well, last week my wife and I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with chicken schmaltz (kosher chicken fat), we made love, and she screamed for 6 hours."

The Italian and Frenchman were stunned. They replied, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for 6 hours?"

"I wiped my hands on the drapes."

The Fast Bris

A humorous tribute to a milestone in the life of Jewish males. Please share this with friends, as all the revenue goes to support my shul. If you didn't get the sight-gag of the suitcase, you may want ...