Friday, January 30, 2009

"Jewish Weapons Of Mass Destruction"

"Jewish Weapons Of Mass Destruction"


A pancake-like structure not to be confused with anything the House of
Pancakes would put out.. In a latka, the oil is in the pancake. It is
made with potatoes, onions, eggs and matzo meal. Latkas can be eaten
with apple sauce but NEVER with maple syrup (sorry Canada). There is a
rumor that in the time of the Maccabees they lit a latka by mistake
and it burned for eight days. What is certain is you will have heart
burn for the same amount of time. It's a GOOD thing..


The Israeli's revenge for escaping slavery. It consists of a simple
mix of flour and water - no eggs or flavor at all. When made well, it
could actually taste like cardboard or Hardieplank. Its redeeming
value is that it does fill you up and stays with you for a long time.
However, it is recommended that you eat a few prunes soon after. Very
soon after.

Kasha Varnishkes

One of the little-known delicacies which is even more difficult to
pronounce than to cook.. It has nothing to do with varnish, but is
basically a mixture of buckwheat and bow-tie macaroni (noodles). Why a
bow-tie? Many sages discussed this and agreed that some Jewish mother
decided that 'You can't come to the table without a tie' or, G~d
forbid 'An elbow on my table?'


Not to be confused with the Germanic war machine's: 'blintzkreig'. Can
you imagine the Jerusalem Post '39 headlines: 'Germans drop tons of
cheese and blueberry blintzes over Poland - shortage of sour cream
expected.' Basically this is the Jewish answer to Crepe Suzette.


You know from Haggis? Well, this ain't it. In the old days they would
take an intestine and stuff it. Today we use parchment paper or
plastic. And what do you stuff it with? Carrots, celery, onions, flour
and spices. But the skill is not to cook it alone but to add it to the
cholent (see below) and let it simmer for 24 hours until there is no
chance whatsoever that there is any nutritional value left.


It sounds worse than it tastes. There is a Rabbinical debate on its
origins. One Rabbi claims it began when a fortune cookie fell into his
chicken soup. The other claims it started in an Italian restaurant.
Either way it can be soft, hard, or soggy and the amount of meat
inside depends on whether it is your mother or your mother-in-law who
cooked it.


This combination of noxious gases had been the secret weapon of Jews
for centuries. The unique combination of beans, barley, potatoes, and
bones or meat is meant to stick to your ribs and anything else it
comes into contact with. At a fancy Mexican restaurant (kosher of
course) I once heard this comment from a youngster who had just had
his first taste of Mexican fried beans: 'What! Do they serve leftover
cholent here too? A Jewish American Princess once came up with
something original for guests (her first cooking attempt at the age of
25): she made cholent burgers for Sunday night supper. The guests
never came back.

Gefilte Fish

A few years ago, an Israeli politician had problems with the filter in
his fish pond and a few of them got rather stuck and mangled. His son
(5 years old at the time) looked at them and asked 'Is that why we
call it 'Ge-filtered Fish'?' Originally, it was a carp stuffed with a
minced fish and vegetable mixture.. Today it usually comprises of
small fish balls eaten with horse radish ('chrain') which is judged on
its relative strength in bringing tears to your eyes at 100 paces.


How can we finish without the quintessential Jewish defense weapon,
the bagel? Like most foods, there are legends surrounding the bagel
although I don't know any. There have been persistent rumors that the
inventors of the bagel were the Norwegians who couldn't get anyone to
buy smoked lox. Think about it: Can you picture yourself eating smoked
salmon or trout on white bread? Rye? A cracker? Naaa! The IDF research
lab looked for something hard and almost indigestible which could take
the spread of cream cheese and which doesn't take up too much room on
the desert-maneuvers-ration kit. And why the hole? The truth is that
many philosophers believe the hole is the essence and the dough is
only there for emphasis. It remains an eternal existential discussion

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