Thursday, October 28, 2010

Did you know that...

What we now call challah was originally a South German bread eaten on Sunday. Adopted for the Sabbath by the Jewish community, its various shapes and designs were in the local tradition of decorative breads

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Sam Levenson (1911 - 1980)

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.

The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.

What we should have fought for was representation without taxation.

It was on my fifth birthday that Papa put his hand on my shoulder and said, 'Remember, my son, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm.'

It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.

You must learn from the mistakes of others. You can't possibly live long enough to make them all yourself.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Oy Vey

This is an actual sign

Monday, October 18, 2010

Some of The Ten (or So) Commandments of The Prophet Murray.

From The Book of Murray: The Life, Teachings and Kvetching of the Lost Prophet (2010), (c) David M. Bader, the author of Haikus for Jews.

1. Thou shalt not put anything in writing.
2. Thou shalt get everything in writing.
3. Floss regularly
4. Beware the dermatologist who advertises on billboards.
5. Honor thy father and thy mother, but screen thy calls.
6. Thou shalt not treat the Jewish high holidays as an opportunity to stay home and wait for the cable guy.
7. Thou shalt not commit adultery on JDate.
8. Thou shalt not mess up the guest towels in the guest bathroom. Yea, not even if thou art the guest.
9. Thou shalt not Google thy symptoms and then phone thy internist at two a.m. claiming to have a terminal illness.
10. Move not to a town where a penitentiary is the main source of employment.
11. Trust not a cardiologist who chain- smokes.
12. Rebuild not thine own carburetor.
13. Take not more than three suitcases for a weekend trip.
14. Always get more than one estimate.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Terminating the contract

As you are aware, the contract made between you and Abraham is up for
renewal, and this memorandum is to advise you that after, yea, those many
millenia of consideration, we've decided not to renew.

We should point out immediately that there is nothing in writing and,
contrary to popular beliefs, we have not really benefited too much from this

If you go back to the early years of our arrangement, it definitely started
off on the wrong footing. Not only was Israel and Judea invaded almost every
year, but we went to enormous expense to erect, not one but two, Temples and
they were both destroyed. Of course, you know all this, but we feel it's a
good thing to account for all the reasons we wish to terminate the contract.

After the Hittites, Assyrians, etc., not only were we beaten up almost
daily, but then we were sold off as slaves to Egypt (of all countries), and
really lost a few hundred years of development.

Now we realize that you went to a great deal of trouble to send Moses to
lead us out of Egypt; and those poor Egyptian buggers were smitten with all
those plagues. But, reflecting on those years, we are at a loss to
understand why it took almost 40 years to make a trip that El Al now does in
45 minutes.

Also, while not appearing to be ungrateful, Moses did lead us to the left
instead of to the right at Sinai! To the only place in the middle east
without any oil. And with water that is controlled by Jordan and Syria . Oy,
if only he had stopped to ask directions. OK, so the mineral rights were not
a part of the deal, but then the Romans came and we were really up to our
necks in dreck.

While it's true the Romans did give us water fit to drink, aqueducts, and
baths, it was very disconcerting to walk down one of the vias, look up, and
see one of your friends or family nailed to a three-by-four looking for all
the world like a sign post.

Even one of our princes, Judah ben Hur, got caught up with Roman stuff and
drove like a crazy man around the Coliseum! . It's a funny thing, but many
people swore that Ben Hur had an uncanny resemblance to Moses -- go figure.

Then, of all things, one of our most up-and-coming carpenters (he did great
work, real cheap) declared himself your son (there was nothing said like
this about Abe) and before we knew what was what, a whole new religion
sprang up. To add insult to injury, we were dispersed all over the world two
or three times while this new goy (oops, guy) really caught on. We were
truly sorry to hear that the Romans executed him like so many others, but --
and this will make you laugh -- once again we were blamed. Couldn't someone
else be chosen, maybe just once?

Now here's something we really don't understand. That guy, Jesus Christ,
really came into his own. Millions of people revered and worshiped his name
and scriptures -- and still killed us by the millions. They claimed we drank
the blood of newborn infants, controlled the world banks, operated the
world's media, etc. Are we beginning to make our point here?

So let's fast forward a few hundred years to the Crusades. Whoa Boy! Again,
we were caught in the middle. They, the Lords and Knights, came from all
over Europe to smack the Arabs and open up the holy places, but before we
knew what hit us, they were killing us along with everyone else. Every time
a King or a Pope was down in the opinion polls, they called for a Crusade or
Holy War (today they're called a Jihad), and went on a killing rampage in
our land.

So, you tested us a little here and there, but some bright cleric in Spain
came up with the Inquisition. We all thought it was a new game show, but
once again we and quite a few others were used as firewood for a whole new
street lighting arrangement in major Spanish cities. All right, that ended
after about a hundred years or so -- in the great scheme of things not a
long time.

But every time we settled down in one country or another, they kicked us
out. We wandered around a few hundred years or so, but it never changed.
Finally we settled in a few countries, but they insisted we all live in
ghettos, while the Russians came up with Pogroms.. We all thought they made
a spelling mistake and misspelled "programs," but we were dead wrong (very
dead wrong). Apparently, when there was nothing else to occupy their time,
killing Jews was the in thing to do.

Now comes the really tough noogies. We were doing quite well, thank you, in
a small European country called Germany, when some house painter wrote a
book, said a few things that caught on and became their leader. Oh boy! What
a bad day that was for us -- your Chosen People (by now, you must be getting
the drift of this e-mail?). We really didn't know where you were in the
earth years 1933 to 1945. We know everyone needs a break now and then; even
the Lord God Almighty needs some time off. But, when we needed you most, you
were never around. You are probably aware of this, but if you have
forgotten, over six million of your Chosen People, along with millions
un-chosen others were murdered in cold blood. They even made lampshades out
of our skins! Look, we don't want to dwell on the past, but it gets worse.
Here we are, it's 1948, and millions of us are displaced again, when you
really pull a fast one. We finally get our own land back! Yes, after all
these years, you arrange for us to go back. Then all the Arab countries
immediately declare war on us. We have to tell you that sometimes your sense
of humor eludes us.

So, we win all the wars, and we're now in a new century, but nothing's
changed. We keep getting blown up, hijacked and kidnapped. We have no peace
Enough is enough. We hope you understand that nothing's forever (except you,
of course), and we respectfully would like to pull out of our verbal
agreement vis-à-vis being your Chosen People. Look, sometimes things work
out, sometimes they don't. Let's be friends over the next few eons and see
what happens.

Meanwhile, how about this idea? We're sure you recall that Abraham had a
whole other family from Ishmael (the ones who got the oil).
How about making them your chosen people for a few thousand years?

Respectfully yours,
The Jews