Abbott & Costello Learn Hebrew

"Abbott & Costello Learn Hebrew"

by Rabbi Jack Moline

ABBOTT: I see you're here for your Hebrew lesson.

COSTELLO: I'm ready to learn.

A: Now, the first thing you must understand is that Hebrew and

English have many words which sound alike, but they do not mean the

same thing.

C: Sure, I understand.

A: Now, don't be too quick to say that.

C: How stupid do you think I am -don't answer that. It's simple-some

words in Hebrew sound like words in English, but they don't mean the

same.

A: Precisely.

C: We have that word in English, too. What does it mean in Hebrew?

A: No, no. Precisely is an English word.

C: I didn't come here to learn English, I came to learn Hebrew. So

make with the Hebrew.

A: Fine. Let's start with mee.

C: You.

A: No, mee.

C: Fine, we'll start with you.

A: No, we'll start with mee.

C: Okay, have it your way.

A: Now, mee is who.

C: You is Abbott.

A: No, no, no. Mee is who.

C: You is Abbott.

A: You don't understand.

C: I don't understand? Did you just say me is who?

A: Yes I did. Mee is who.

C: You is Abbott.

A: No, You Misunderstand what I am saying. Tell me about mee.

C: Well, you're a nice enough guy.

A: No, no. Tell me about mee!

C: Who?

A: Precisely.

C: Precisely what?

A: Precisely who.

C: It's precisely whom!

A: No, mee is who.

C: Don't start that again-go on to something else.

A: All right. Hu is he.

C: Who is he?

A: Yes.

C: I don't know. Who is he?

A: Sure you do. You just said it.

C: I just said what?

A: Hu is he.

C: Who is he?

A: Precisely.

C: Again with the precisely! Precisely who?

A: No, precisely hee.

C: Precisely he? Who is he?

A: Precisely!

C: And what about me?

A: Hu.

C: me, me, me!

A: Hu, hu, hu!

C: What are you, an owl? Me! Who is me?

A: No, hu is he!

C: I don't know I maybe he is me!

A: No, hee is she! (STARE AT ABBOTT)

C: Do his parents know about this?

A: About what?

C: About her!

A: What about her?

C: That she is he!

A No, you've got it wrong-hee is she!

C:' Then who is he?

A: Precisely!

C: Who?

A: He!

C: Me?

A: Hu!

C: He?

A; She!

C Who is she?

A: No, hu is he.

C: I don't care who is he, I want to know who is she?

A: No, that's not right.

C: How can it not be right? I said it. I was standing here when I

said it, and I know me.

A: Hu.

C: Who?

A: Precisely!

C: Me! Me is that he you are talking about! He is me!

A: No, hee is she!

C: Wait a Minute, wait a minute! I'm trying to learn a little Hebrew,

and now I can't even speak English. Let me review.

A: Go ahead.

C: Now first You want to know me is who.

A: Correct.

C: And then you say who is he.

A: Absolutely.

C: And then you tell me he is she.

A & C: Precisely!

C: Now look at this logically. If me is who. And who is he. And he is

she. Don't it stand to reason that me is she?

A: Who?

C: She!

A: That is he!

C: Who is he?

A & C: Precisely!

C: I have just about had it. You have me confused I want to go home.

You know what I want? Ma!

A: What.

C I said Ma.

A: What.

Q: What are you, deaf? I want Ma!

A: What!

C: Not what, who!

A: He!

C: Not he! Ma is not he!

A: Of course not! Hu is he!

C I don't know. I don't know. I don't care. I don't care who is he,

he is she, me is who, ma is what. I just want to go home now and play

with my dog.

A: Fish.

C Fish?

A: Dag is fish.

C: That's all, I'm outa here.

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHANUKAH...

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHANUKAH...
OY! WHAT A SHOCK!
SOMEBODY OUTSIDE
WAS PICKING OUR LOCK!

AND THERE AT THE DOOR
STOOD A 'ZAYDA' IN BLUE-
AND HE WORE ON HIS KUPP
A BLUE YARMULKA, TOO!

HIS PUNIM WAS SHAIN-
EVERYBODY WOULD LOVE IT!
'ROUND HIS NECK HUNG A CHAIN
WITH A GOLD MOGEN DOVID!

HE WORE SILKEN TSITZES
BENEATH HIS WOOL VEST,
AND A SMALL FLAG OF ISRAEL
WAS DRAPED ON HIS CHEST!

HE SAID: "I'M NO BURGLAR,
SO PLEASE DON'T BE NERVOUS.
I'M THE SPIRIT OF CHANUKAH,
HERE AT OUR SERVICE!"

"MENCHEN ALL CALL ME
'REB' SHALOM SHAPIRO!
WITHOUT ME, THIS YOM-TOV
MIGHT NEED A NEW 'H ERO!'"

"I VISIT ALL YIDLACH,
AND BRING - KINNAHORRA-
GOOD FORTUNE AS BRIGHT
AS A GLOWING MENORAH!"

"ICH SHLEPP LOTS OF BLESSINGS
AND CHANUKAH GELT,
AND JOYS THAT ARE TAKKA
THE BEST IN DER VELT!"

"IF YOU KNOW NICE MENCHEN,
I'LL VISIT THEM QUICK,
AND I'LL BRING THEM GEZUNT
AND A HOUSEFUL OF GLICK!"

SO WE SENT HIM TO YOUR HOUSE,
AND SHOOK HANDS AND PARTED.
HE SHOUTED, "SHALOM!"
OUT THE DOORWAY HE DARTED!

HE RAN TO A WAGON
WITH HORSES AHEAD.
HE FED THEM SOME BAGELS,
AND HERE'S WHAT HE SAID:

"LET'S GO, MOISH AND MENDEL!
MAKE QUICK, MOE AND YUSSLE!
PLEASE GIVE A RUSH, MALKAH!
HEY, HYMIE, PLEASE HUSTLE!"

THEN TH EY RACED LIKE THE WIND!
AND THEY GALLOPED SO SHNELL,
ALL HIS CLOTHING BLEW OFF,
AND HIS GATKES AS WELL!

SOON HE WAS SO KALT
THAT HIS TUSHIE TURNED BLUISH!
HE MOANED AND HE HOLLERED
IN ENGLISH AND JEWISH!

SO, DON'T ACT EMBARRASSED,
AND PLEASE DON'T BE RUDE
WHEN THAT FROSTBITTEN ZAYDA
ARRIVES IN THE NUDE!

QUICK! WRAP HIM IN BLANKETS!
DON'T BEAT 'ROUND THE BUSH'!
AND TIE A HOT WATER BAG
ON HIS COLD TUSH!

QUICK! FEED HIM SOME CHICHEN SOUP
HEISS AS CAN BE!
AND GIVE HIM SOME SHNAPPS
AND A GLEZ'L HOT TEA!

'CAUSE HE BRINGS YOU A HOUSEFUL
OF CHANUKAH WISHES
AS WARM AND GESHMOCK
AS PLATE OF HOT KNISHES!

AND HE BRINGS THEM FROM OUR HOUSE
SO FRIENDLY AND BRIGHT,
SO YOUR HOUSE WILL KEEP GLOWING
WITH CHANUKAH LIGHT.

PLUS JOY SWEET AS TSUKKER,
AND PEACE AND GOOD-CHEER
AND EVERYTHING FRAYLACH
EACH DAY OF THE YEAR!

AND NONE IN YOUR FAMILY
WILL BE A SHLEMAZEL,
FOR LIFE WILL BRING EACH OF YOU
SIMCHAS AND MAZEL!

AND ALL THROUGH THE FUTURE
YOUR HOPES WILL COME TRUE,
AND HIMMEL WILL BLESS
YOUR MISHPOCHA AND YOU!!!

Adam Sandler's Chanukah songI

Hanukah Eve

Hanukah Eve

" 'Twas Chanukayh Eve and throughout the Mishpocha (family)
Not a word was there said, not even a B'rucha (prayer)
The children were sleeping, dreaming not of the Torah
But rather the gifts that surround the Menorah.
The Mommas were busy and you could sense in the air,
The odor of latkes, that soon would be there.
And though no one observed the clouds in the sky,
There was G-d smiling, as He fondly stood by."

Author unknown

MY FAVORITE THINGS...to buy

MY FAVORITE THINGS...to buy
by Abby Smith

.

.
Bargains at Macy's, a sale on at Gimbels.
Delicate chatchkes, like porcelain thimbles.
Hand-painted tee-shirts that spread into wings...
I feel so high when I'm out buying things!
.
.
Bright-colored cookbooks, adorable notecards.
Bette Midler albums and kitchy hip postcards.
Stick-'em-up stars that will glow in the night...
Purchasing endlessly makes me feel right!
.
.
Why deal with troubles when you can go shopping?
Millions of items to buy, so get hopping!
Wouldn't that V.C.R. fit in just right?
Here, buy a Walkman. Buy two! They're so light!
.
.
(Bridge) Homeless people, unemployment, tend to make me sad;
. But then I go shopping and buy myself things, and then I
don't feel...so...bad.
.
.
.
Go on a spree; you'll feel daring and reckless.
Maybe a shirt, some new shoes, or a necklace.
Stay 'way from friendships, they're liable to flop.
Put on your coat and get out there and shop!
.
.
Friendships take time, you need patience, a large heart.
Shopping's a snap; you can carry a charge card.
Pick out some linens, some napkins with rings.
Go home and cuddle with...some of your things!
.
.
Watching the news makes me restless. It's boring!
I'd rather gather more goods that need storing.
As for relationships, I've had my fill!
Let me go shopping; it won't make me ill!
.
.
(Ending)Losing lovers, losing friendships, tends to make me pine.
. So what if my shopping will leave me in debt; surrounded
with things...I'm...fine !

The Chanukah Song (II)

The Chanukah Song (II)
Performed by Adam Sandler



Put on your yarmulka
Its time for Chanukah
So much funnaka
To celebrate Chanukah

Chanukah is the festival of lights
Instead of one day of presents
We get eight crazy nights

When you feel like the only kid in town
Without a Christmas tree
Here's a new list of people who are Jewish
Just like you and me

Winona Ryder,
Drinks Menachevitz wine
Then spins a dradle with Ralph Lauren and Calvin Klein

Guess who gives and receives
Loads of Chanukah toys
The girls from Veruca Salt and all 3 Beasty Boys

Lenny Kravitz is half Jewish,
Courtney Love is half too
Put them together
What a funky bad ass Jew

We got Harvey Keitel
And flash dancer Jennifer Beals
Yasmine Bleeth from Baywatch is Jewish
And yes her boobs are real

Put on your yarmulka
Its time for Chanukah
2 time Ocsar winning Dustin Hoffmanaka
celebrates Chanukah

O.J. Simpson
Still not a Jew
But guess who is,
The guy who does the voice for Scooby Doo

Bob Dylan was born a Jew
Then he wasn't
but now he's back,
Mary Tyler Moore's husband is Jewish
'Cause we're pretty good in the sack.

Guess who got barmitsfaed
On the PGA tour
No I'm not talking about Tiger Woods
I'm talkin' about Mr. Happy Gilmore.

So many Jews are in the show biz
Bruce Springsteen isn't
But my mother thinks he is.

Tell the world-amanaka
It's time for Chanukah
It's not pronounced Ch-nakah
The C is silent in Chanukah
So get your hooked on phonica
Get drunk in Tijuanaka
If you really really wannaka
Have a happy happy happy happy Chanukah!

"Hooray for Hanukkah"

"Hooray for Hanukkah"
(to the tune of Hooray for Hollywood)

When the days grow short and the nights grow cold and its holiday time at home
those memories of childhood are where I long to roam
this special song for a special time brings back that special joy
it's message still is true today for every girl .... and boy.

Hooray for Hanukkah, let's play the trumpet and harmonica
And let's remember mr. mattathias, he had a bias against the worship of clay
And oh the oil, was oh so loyal, it lasted for a week and an .. extra day.

Hooray for Hanukkah, when jews from brooklyn to salonika
recall a macabee and tale of glory, it's quite a story
it makes you glad it's today
with our deliria we're not inferior
hooray for Hanukkah, ........

Hooray for Hanukkah
where every betty and veronica
can rest assured that mean old antiochus and hocus pocus
were surely destined to flop
so have a latke and a little vodka, coz Judah Macabee set it up on top

Hooray for Hanukkah, from tel aviv to santa monica
menorahs get lit up in celebration of liberation, our people are finally free
another happy feast it's from the middle east
hooray for hanukkah…..

The High-Tech Dreidel

The High-Tech Dreidel

In a world of 3-D video games and surfing the Internet, kids may look
skeptically at dreidels - no color graphics, no electronic sounds and no
batteries needed. How could a toy like that possibly be fun?

Even thought the dreidel has been played with by children for thousands of
years, kids today may find this simple little top a bit "low-tech" for their
liking. For those modern day kids who think playing the dreidel game is soooo
bo-ring, here's a new spin on the way we look at this favorite Chanukah toy.

THE OFFICIAL DREIDEL OPERATORS MANUAL

You are now the proud owner of a high-quality, state of the art "Dreidel"
which can make you a winner! A multi-faceted, interactive educational and
entertainment micro-system, the versatile Dreidel utilizes maximum kinetic
transfer technology, putting years of wondrous experience at your fingertips.

Rapidly rotating on its axis, the Dreidel is driven by centrifugal forces
that defy gravitational pull. The Dreidel operates efficiently on renewable
energy sources at high, medium and low speeds. Velocity and RPM levels are
adjusted by the flick of a finger. Perfectly balanced and precision
engineered, the Dreidel is virtually maintenance free. It has no moving parts,
and no batteries or upgrades are required.

TO USE: Hold joystick-like handle in upright position, using thumb and
forefinger to accelerate. Best when operated on smooth surfaces with low
coefficient of friction. Device may appear stationary, but sound indicates
Dreidel is in use.

After completing its spinning mode, the Dreidel reaches its turning point and
begins to gyrate, displaying various conic sections as it decelerates. Dreidel
will then shut down automatically. Quick turnaround time allows Dreidel to be
used repeatedly. Follow instruction code indicated above and restart.

(from "Chabad News & Views," published by the Chabad Center of Passaic
County, NJ)

AN UNORTHODOX CHANUKAH QUIZ

AN UNORTHODOX CHANUKAH QUIZ

1. Chanukah is known as
a. The Festival of Lights
b. The Holiday of Rededication
c. The Jewish Christmas
d. The Yiddish Ramadan

2. The heroes of the holiday of Chanukah lived in
a. Ancient Palestine
b. Ancient Israel
c. The Occupied Territories
d. The Liberated Territories
e. A three floor walk-up in Jerusalem

3. The Jews of the time of the first Chanukah worshipped
a. At the Holy Temple in Jerusalem
b. At a less holy temple about ten miles west of Jerusalem
c. Wherever they could get High Holiday tickets
d. All of the above

4. Suddenly, a new, cruel leader (what else is new?) came to power
in Syria, whose name was
a. Hafiz al-Assad
b. Yassir Arafat
c. Antiochus
d. Antisemite
e. Antibody

5. This evil leader abruptly commanded the Jews of his kingdom to
a. Eat pig
b. Eat at McDonald's
c. Eat everything on their plates
d. Become idol worshippers
e. Become idle

6. There arose a brave elder among the Jewish people who helped to
lead a revolt against the Syrians, whose name was
a. Mattathias
b. Mattityahu
c. Matthew
d. Matt
e. Merwin
f. Mud
g. His name would have been Mud had he lost

7. Mattityahu (what a relief-that's the answer to #6) had sons by
the names of
a. Groucho, Chico, Harpo, Zeppo and Gummo
b. Huey, Dewey and Louis
c. Jacob, Joey, Jeremy and Christopher (his wife became less
traditional as she grew older)
d. dah, and I'm not sure of the others

8. The last name of this glorious family was
a. Marx (see #7a)
b. Duck (see #7b)
c. Abu ben Amir (it wasn't easy to be a Jew in those days)
d. Callaghan (it's not easy today)
e. Maccabee
9. The town in which the heroic family lived was
a. Modin
b. Mahwah
c. Crown Heights
d. Farfallen Heights
e. Wayne
f. Passaic Park

10. The name "Maccabee" (you wait long enough, you get most of the
answers) translates to mean
a. "May the Lord be with us, 'caus, if He's not, we're in big
trouble"

b. "Son of a Star"
c. "Son of a Gun"
d. "Nails," because the Maccabees nailed the Syrian army

11. Where did the Jews fight the Syrians?
a. At Entebbe
b. At Natanya
c. Through thick and thin
d. With blood, sweat and tears
e. On the streets
f. On the beaches

12. After many long and agonizing battles, the Jews defeated their
oppressors. The final score of the war was
a. Maccabees 9, Syrians 2
b. Maccabees 613, Syrians 0
c. Maccabees 11, Maccabees 1

13. In order to purify the Holy Temple, the Jews had to
a. Get a good cleaning person who would do floors
b. Get a good cleaning person who would do walls and windows
too (now that's a miracle!)
c. Get rid of the chazar-fleisch
d. Get some oil

14. The oil the Maccabees found was sufficient for only
a. One day
b. Seven days
c. Seven days in Israel, eight in the Diaspora (go figure)

15 But there was a great miracle, as the oil used for resanctifying
the Temple ended up lasting
a. Until it needed an oil change
b. Twelve days
c. Twelve days, but for you, eight days

16. Hannah was a heroine of the first Chanukah, who had
a. Five daughters
b. No, it was Tevye the Dairyman who had five daughters
c. Seven sons
d. Six sons
e. Five sons
f. Four sons

17. One of the great coincidences of history is that
a. Chanukah begins on the 25th day of the Hebrew month Kislev
b. Christmas takes place on the 25th day of the Julian month
of December
c. Chanukah and charoset (from Passover) both start with "ch"
18. Among the Talmudic rulings on this holiday is that
a. The lamp must be lit at sunset
b. The lamp should be placed outside the entrance of one's
house
c. The lamp should be set on a window nearest the street
d. Your fire insurance should be paid up every year by the
beginning of Kislev
e. Chanukah used to be the day before Tu B'Shvat but the
rabbis moved it to avoid forest fires

19. Jewish women are obligated to also kindle the Chanukah lamp
because
a. They were included in the miracle, according to Tractate
Shabbat, 21b
b. They were threatening to picket the Holy Temple according
to the to feminist magazine Lilith, page 21

20. One of the major debates in the Talmud involves
a. The House of Shammai suggesting that we light eight lights
on the first night of Chanukah, and then one less each
following night
b. The House of Hillel suggesting that we light one light on
the first night, and then one more each following night
c. The House of Eisenstat suggesting that we swallow some
bicarbonate of soda after devouring too many greasy latkes
d. The House of Weinrib suggesting that we swallow some Alka
Seltzer after devouring too many greasy latkes (The latter

was disallowed when it was discovered that the House of
Weinrib owned 51 percent of Alka Seltzer shares)

21. Because Chanukah is considered such a joyous holiday, Jews are
a. Forbidden to eulogize the dead
b. Forbidden to fast
c. Forbidden to cover their neighbor's Christmas lights,
especially since the concept was stolen from the holiday
of Chanukah, anyway

22. The special Al-Hanissim prayer is added to religious services
and the Grace After Meals during the eight days of Chanukah.
It translates as
a. "Thanks for the Miracles."
b. "Thanks for the Memories"
c. Yes, Bob Hope actually entertained the Maccabean troops

23. According to the Encyclopedia Judaica, there were many
communities in the Middle Ages where Jewish women were forbidden
to work while the Chanukah lights were burning. This reportedly
led many rabbis of the era to
a. Move to another community that followed a different
custom
b. Push for a one or two day Chanukah
c. Use far less oil in their lamps
d. Use much shorter candles

24. A long-accepted tradition of Jews around the world is for the
parents to give their children
a. Chanukah gelt (money), over the eight days of the holiday
b. Jewish guilt (often over money), over the twelve months
until the next Chanukah

25. On the holiday of Chanukah, millions of Jews all over the world
a. Spin the dreidel
b. Hang the mistletoe
c. Stuff the stocking
d. Decorate the tree
e. We really have to do something about assimilation
(which was what the Maccabean revolt was all about)

Chanukah explained by Cynthia MacGregor

Chanukah explained by Cynthia MacGregor

Jews all over the world are getting ready to celebrate Chanukah by

lighting menorahs. In the spirit of equal rights, I want to know why

we don't have womenorahs too.

Actually menorahs ARE a woman thing--isn't that what we get once a

month when we bleed for a week?

No, I'm thinking of the minstrel cycle--people in blackface who ride

bikes and bleed.

The money Jews get for the holilday is called "Chanukah gelt." If

they forget to light the candles they get "Chanukah guilt." If they

wrap their presents in gold-toned paper, that's "Chanukah gilt."

Actualy the presents are just the icing on the cake--and if I sing,

everybody'll leave the room before they get any cake.

The Jewish hymn for Chanukah bears the same name as an unrelated

Christian hymn, "Rock of Ages," which is the first example of

liturgical music being rock.

Every night of Chanukah you light one more candle, and nothing candle

your celebration faster than finding you're out of matches.

The traditional Chaaunkah toy is a dreidel, a kind of top, which is a

misnomer, 'cause when you spin it, it always lands on its side, never

on its top. Little known "fact": When Cole Porter wrote, "You're the

Tops," he was attending a Chanukah party.

The Hebrew letters on the dreidel stand for the words Nays Gawdawl

Hawyaw Shawm, or in English, Made in Japan.

No, actually the words mean, "A great miracle was there." The miracle

is that there are any new customers left to buy more dreidels in each

successive year.

The dreidel game is a gambling gmae--you put in or take out a certain

amount of money from the pot according to which letter comes up when

you spin the dreidel. (Don't look for the joke--that part was true.)

This is how Jewish people teach their kids to count. (THAT was the

punchline.)

Chanaukah is sometimes erroneously called "The Jewish Christmas," but

really the two holidays, though they occur in calendar proximity and

both feature gift-giving, are unrelated. The old bearded guy in the

red suit at your Chanukah party is just eccentric Uncle Bernie, who

ate too many latkes, drank too much schnapps, and now is trying to

stay awake long enough to play "Pull my finger" with his nephew Morty.

Latkes are the traditional food for Chanukah--they're Jewish potato

pancakes, cooked in deep oil. Supposedly Chanukah celebrates the

miracle that occurred after the Jews, under the leadership of the

Maccabees, routed the Assyrians, who had defiled the Temple--there

was only enough oil left to keep the Eternal Light (no relation to

The Guiding Light--this was on a different channel) burning for one

day, but it lasted eight days till a new supply could be trucked

in... er, camelled in? But you see, we all know the *real* reason

they ran out of oil is they were celebrating the victory over the

Assyrians aby eating copious quantities of latkes... and that, of

course, called for cooking in copious quantities of... you got it!

"Latkes" (pronounced "LOT-kehs") are not to be confused with "lox."

There are many Jewish loxsmiths but no latkessmiths. Lox is always

too salty. Latkes always need more salt. Lox is fish. There's

something fishy about a Jew who doesn't like latkes. They're called

LATkes 'cause you eat a LOT of them. Some Jews eat latkes with

applesauce; some eat them with sour cream; most eat them with

anything they can get them with.

Latkes are traditional with pot roast. Pot roast is NOT something you

get high on.

Pot roast for a Jewish person is always made with brisket. A brisket

is not to be confused with a bris kit, the little bag carried by

every good mohel. (As the old joke says, mohels don't get paid well

but they get a lot of tips. But that's such an old joke I won't

repeat it.)

Another traditional Jewish food is gefilte fish, which is NOT

"filtered fish." And smoked fish--another Jewish delicacy--is not

fish that took up Camels at an early age. (Next to lox or nova (to

Christians, a Nova is a car, but to Jews, it's heaven with a schmear

of cream cheese), the most popular Jewish fish is sturgeon, which

sounds like "my son the doctor who operates," but actually that "t"

makes all the difference--which is just what the Brits say every

afternoon around 4.

Then there is sable, which can be eaten or worn, and whitefish, which

in the South used to think it was superior.

Another traditional Jewish food--and one you'll find on many tables

at Chanukah--is matzo balls. The well-made matzo ball is light and

fluffy, but this is difficult to achieve. My old neighbor Sadie was

the epitome of a bad matzo ball cook... but the Israeli army drafted

her to work in their munitions factory. Her matzo balls were their

secret weapon.

Whether you spell it "Chanukah" or "Hannukah"--or take the cheater's

way out and just call it the Festival of Lights--it's a joyous

holiday (till you get your credit card bill for all those presents

you bought), and one that lasts eight full days. (Do we Jews know how

to celebrate, or what?)

Just remember, when you light all the andles on the final day, you

DON'T make a wish and blow them all out. No birthday cake or ice

cream, either. It's not anyone's birthday. (That's the Christian

Chanukah... er, Christmas.)

Besides, you wouldn't have room for cake. You'll be too full of latkes.

Cynthia MacGregor