Humor for today

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It was a terrible night, blowing cold and sleeting rain in a most frightful manner.

The streets were deserted and the local baker was just about to close up shop

when a Jewish man slipped through the door. He carried an umbrella, blown inside out, and was bundled in two sweaters and a thick coat. But even so he still looked wet, freezing, and bedraggled.

As he unwound his scarf he said to the baker, "May I have two poppy seed bagels to go, please?"

The baker said in astonishment, "Two bagels? Nothing more?"

"That's right," answered the little man. "One for me and one for Sherry."
"Sherry is your wife?" Asked the baker.

"What do you think," snapped the man, "my mother would send me out on a night like this?"

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A KGB officer is walking in the park and he sees and old Jewish man reading a book.

The KGB says "What are you reading old man?"

The old man says "I am trying to teach myself Hebrew."

KGB says "Why are you trying to learn Hebrew? It takes years to get a visa for Israel. You would die before the paperwork got done."

"I am learning Hebrew so that when I die and go to Heaven I will be able to speak to Abraham and Moses. Hebrew is the language they speak in Heaven." the old man replies.

"But what if when you die you go to Hell?" asks KGB.

And the old man replies, "Russian, I already know."

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Moscow in the 1970s.

Deepest winter.

A rumor spreads through the city that meat will be available for sale the next day at Butcher's Shop no. 1.
Tens of thousands turn up on the eve of the event wrapped up against the cold, carrying stools, vodka, and chessboards, they form an orderly queue.
At 3 am the butcher comes out and says, "Comrades, I've just had a call from the Party Central Committee:

it turns out there won't be enough meat for everyone, so the Jews in the queue should go home."
The Jews obediently leave the queue.

The rest continue to wait.
At 7 am, the butcher comes out again, "Comrades, I've just had another call from Central Committee. It turns out there will be no meat at all, so you should all go home."
The crowd disperses, grumbling all the while, "Those bloody Jews get all the luck!"

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