Thursday, May 1, 2008

Satire-Rabbi_Pinky_Schmeckelstein] On the US Presidential Race

On the US Presidential Race


Over the last few weeks I have been asked by many of my Talmidim to
offer a Rabbinic ruling on who is the best candidate in the current
US presidential primary season.

Of course, this is a natural request, given my recent designation as
Poisaik of the Year in Fortune Magazine, which focuses its profile on
my recent Psak Halacha where I ruled that a man with one arm may put
his Tfillin on his leg, though there is a machloikess between RASHI
and Rabbeinu Tam on where exactly he should place his Shel Roish…

Another reason why the Buchrim have been reaching out to me on this
topic is because I spent six years as Lieutenant Governor of Utah. I
had high popularity ratings, but was forced to resign due to a public
scandal – word got out that I had only one wife (my beloved Bashert,
Feigah Breinah).

In any case, in order to evaluate all of the Goyim running for
office, I employ three screens:

a) Is the candidate good for the United States? Does he or she have
adequate experience, and a set of beliefs and perspectives that will
help the country address its key challenges (such as mandatory
Shatnez checks on all clothing imported from China)?

b) Is the candidate good for Klal Yisroel? Is he/she good for the
Jews? After all, our sustained presence in the ghetto is based on the
kind-heartedness of the President, who is liable to order pogroms at
every turn, and who is capable of eliminating all US support for
Israel without hesitation. Indeed, he/she may halt military and
financial support to Israel, or, even worse, help Israel broker a
peace agreement, chass v'sholom.

c) Does the candidate act in a manner consistent with Halacha? How
many of the TARYAG Mitzvois does he or she keep? Can he/she serve as
an example for our Kinderlach? Or will he or she be mezaneh with a
White House intern, instead of cutting taxes and increasing spending
the way the Reboinoisheloilum likes?

Using these three screens, I hope to take you through a discussion of
each candidate, using lucid and rational arguments that will result
in you mindlessly following every word I say. Shoyn.

Candidate # 1: Senator Barack HUSSEIN Oibama

a) Overall: Eppis, he is really smart and charismatic. He's like
Duvid HaMelech after a three week vacation to the Bahamas! Now, he
has only been in the Senate for two years, and has abstained from
many key votes. But he did serve in local government in Chicago,
where he introduced critical legislation that would automatically
qualify the Cubs for the World Series if they cannot get there on
their own by 2015. He was also the Editor of the Harvard Law Review,
and is a frequent contributor to Penthouse Letters.

b) Klal Yisroel: This is an area of great concern to Klal Yisroel. As
has been pointed out by many, Senator Oibama is a member of the
Trinity United Church of Christ, and his pastor is the Reverend
Jeremiah Wright, who is an avowed critic of Israel who has made rants
that border on the Anti-Semitic. In addition, Oibama has a
longstanding relationship with Minister Louis Farrakhan, and is
rumored to have shared a room with Minister Farrakhan in college for
one semester. It is also well documented that while in college,
Oibama spent summers overseas teaching munitions in a Midrassa in

Many have also pointed with great concern to his foreign policy team.
The team includes Anthony Lake, the anti-Semite, Zbigniew Brzezinski,
the Soinay Yisroel with too many consonants in his last name,
Samantha Power, who, frankly, no one has ever heard of before, and
Adolf Eichmann.

Even more disturbing, however, are Senator Oibama's own words. In an
interview with Time Magazine in December, Oibama said that he was
opposed to raising income taxes, but suggested, "there are lots of
alternative ways to make up the deficit. We could use consumption
fees, or charge an air usage tax linked to the size of each citizen's
nose." And most alarming is what Senator Oibama told NBC's Meet The
Press in February, "I hate the fucking Jews. Those kike bastards have
been stealing the pennies of my people ever since they brought us
over on slave ships."

c) Halacha: Finally, Senator Oibama clearly fails the Halacha test.
According to joint research by the Newsweek, the American Medical
Association, Blueboy Magazine, and Yated Ne'eman, Senator Oibama's
schvantzel is more than 2000 amois long when he gets a… errr…
shverkeit. Consequently, every time he does the double mitzvah on
Friday night he goes beyond the Tchum Shabbos*. And there is no
evidence at all that he has ever made an Eiruv Techumim!

Candidate #2: Senator John McCain

a) Overall: This is an area of grave concern. Let's face it: the guy
spent 6 years in a wooden box monitored by his Viet Cong captors. How
do we know what they did to him? Maybe they programmed him to be
their sleeper agent. Indeed, John McCain could be the REAL Manchurian
Candidate! (This is the exact same thing that happened with Moishe
Rabbeinu. He spent a few days in a box, and then spent many years
living the perfect life of a Mitzri. But when the right moment came
around, BOOM, Hakadoshboruchhu activated Moishe, pulled him out of
deep cover, and had him do exotic tricks with his "big magic staff"
while Paroih's advisors stuck dollar bills in his g-shtreimel.)

Of course, this is all conjecture. So how will we know if this is a
real problem? Very simple: We should all keep our eyes on the
Republican convention. If McCain gives his nomination acceptance
speech in Vietnamese and starts off by thanking Chairman Mao, we know
we're in trouble.

b) Klal Yisroel: This is actually positive. John McCain did spend 6
years in a box, but the good news is that the box was made out of old
Jaffa Orange shipping crates. As a result, McCain is believed to be
sympathetic to Eretz Yisroel and Klal Yisroel.

We can also look at who he surrounds himself with. McCain's foreign
policy team includes: George Schultz, Reb Dovid Feinstein, Moishe
Feiglin, Yoko Ono, Rabbi Tzvi Hersh Weinreb, and James Baker.

c) Halacha: This is another positive sign. McCain has clearly given a
lot of attention to Halachic consideration in his daily life. Indeed,
according to a recent article in the New York Times, McCain insisted
that his lobbyist mistress go to Mikvah before they were Mezaneh. And
McCain's wife Cindy certainly wears a Shaytel. Have you seen that
hair? Either it's a wig, or she has so much hairspray on that it
counts as a Chatzitza Gemoorah**.

Candidate #3: Senator Hillary Clinton

a) Overall: When I view Senator Clinton, I don't see a woman simply
dabbling in politics. In fact, with all those pantsuits, I'm not sure
I see a woman at all.

In any case, Hillary Clinton has been a Senator for 8 years. Before
that she was the First Lady of the United States, and before that she
was the First Lady of Arkansas. In her career, she has been involved
in many of the key issues facing the United States: In the Senate,
she is on the Legislative Committee. In the White House she was
involved in early efforts to address the Health Care crisis. And
throughout the years she has been a strong advocate of Defense: She
has worked day and night to prevent her husband from being frontally
violated by power hungry bimbos, or, at minimum, from being caught.

Furthermore, Senator Clinton has demonstrated wisdom earned through
years of experience. In her, the United States will have a president
who is a tough negotiator, but who is also capable of painful, even
personal, compromises if it will serve the greater good. Let's face
it: her entire career has proven that sometimes you have to stay
married to someone you absolutely detest for 35 years in order to get
what you really want.

b) Klal Yisroel: This is largely a binary, philosophical question. If
you favor the actions taken by Former President Bill Clinton with
regard to Israel and peace, then you are likely to favor Hillary. If
you are against Oslo and the many subsequent efforts made by Clinton,
then you are likely to oppose Hillary. But one thing is clear: Bill
Clinton left his mark or Klal Yisroel, or at the minimum on Monica
Lewinsky's dress.

A number of people have expressed concern at a snapshot in time, the
embrace of then-First Lady Hillary Clinton with Suha Arafat, even at
a time when Suha made claims of blood-libel proportions. In Senator
Clinton's defense: 1) The US and Israel were in the midst of a peace
process, and sometimes you have to "look the other way"; 2) This
entire image is the result of media bias, only showing the world part
of the picture. In truth, Hillary was actually the more restrained of
the Clintons: While the cameras caught Suha embracing Hillary, they
completely ignored that at that very moment, Yasser was on his knees
in front of Bill...

So, one key question is: what role will Bill have in a Hillary
administration? Will he be a key foreign policy advisor, even a
Middle East envoy? Or will he be given a "safer" role, such as the
manager of the White House Internship Program?

c) Halacha: This is not an obstacle in the case of Senator Clinton.
According to a Gemarrah in Maseches Brachois, a Tumtum or Androginus
is exempt from keeping Halacha. Therefore, as a she-male, Hillary has
no Halachic responsibilities whatsoever. However, according to the
Shulkhan Aruch, MiDeRabbanan she is required to bind the Ritzuouis of
her strap-on on her left leg, but only if she is a right handed.

So what's a Ben Toirah to do in the current election season? If none
of the three candidates are acceptable, who should we support?

Rabboisai, we needn't look very far. In the White House today we have
a president who is bold, who is motivated, and who acts with
fortitude and purpose. A man who has proven his worth to Klal
Yisroel. Of course, you are wondering how President Bush can continue
to be president given that he is approaching the conclusion of his
second term in office. But I ask you: Did Duvid HaMelech have term
limits? Did Shloimoi HaMelech have to step down after serving eight
years? What kind of Mishugass is that?

There are those of course who would argue that President Bush is a
failure, that the war in Iraq is a quagmire, and that the economy is
in shambles. But to them I say the following: It took Moishe Rabbeinu
forty years to bring Klal Yisroel to the Promised Land. This
president has not yet had time to complete his work. He needs one
more term to complete his program.

In four more years, Iraq will no longer be a problem, since by then
it will have merged with Iran. Oisama Bin Laden will no longer be a
threat; on the contrary, he will favor a stable, peaceful United
States, since his family by then will have bought a controlling stake
in every bank in America to bail them out of the mortgage crisis. And
with another term of President Bush, the economy will no longer be an
issue. There will be no more unemployment; by that time, the dollar
will be so cheap, the Indians will be outsourcing to us.

Ah Gutten Shabbos, You Minuval.

* - Tchum Shabbos: The legal distance that one may travel on the
Sabbath – approximately 2 miles beyond an established community.

** - Chatzitza Gemoorah: Complete (hair) covering.

Rabbi Pinky Schmeckelstein
Yeshiva Chipas Emmess

No comments: