The Latkes Platter Patter

The Latkes Platter Patter © 2009
Lyrics: L. Lippitz Music: Sir Arthur Sullivan
Each Hanukkah we celebrate
A joyous situation
In a gastronomic quest to make
A festival occasion.
We embark upon a mission
With potatoes and a grater
Adding onions, eggs and matzo meal
Till, several hours later,
The neighborhood is fragrant
With a heavenly aroma
As the family anticipates
Inevitable coma.
The edges get all crispy
And the dishes clitter-clatter,
All the relatives are coming—
Give them latkes on a platter!
Give them latkes on a platter (platter x4)
Never mind the grease is flying
As they sputter and they splatter,
All the relatives are coming—
Give them latkes on a platter!
If I were self-restrainable,
I’d take a little nibble
And then just demur on any more
Without a sigh or quibble.
But if you’ve seen a car get hit
And airbags are inflating,
Then you’ll visualize the aftermath
Of what I am debating:
If I eat one little latke
I will soon be snarfing twenty,
Till the profile on my Facebook wall
Resembles Humpty-Dumpty.
If in oil spray I bake them
Would it make them somewhat flatter?
I would honor the tradition
But I’m really getting fatter!
Yes I’m really getting fatter
Yes, she’s really getting fatter!
As they get all brown and crispy
See my resolution shatter—
I would honor the tradition
But I’m really getting fatter!
The Rabbis in their wisdom
Sought to teach the generations
Of the struggles of the Maccabees
To save the Hebrew nation
But they knew the recitation
Of these lessons wasn’t gripping
So they poured their message furtively
On latkes they were flipping.
To substitute a pickle
For this culinary beauty
Would be nothing less than fickle
To religious sense of duty!
This particularly fatty
Crispy tater fritter batter
Isn’t generally served
So, once a year, it doesn’t matter!
Once a year it doesn’t matter (x4)
This particularly fatty
Crispy tater fritter batter
Isn’t generally served
So, once a year it doesn’t matter
Matter, matter, matter, matter