Monday, March 17, 2008

Purim Humor

Hamentosh Rock
Sung to Jingle Bell Rock
Words by Ron Reff


Hamentosh, Hamentosh, Hamentosh-en
Roll out the dough and spread the fill-en
Wind up the groggers and lets make some noise
All you girls and boys

Hamentosh time is a nosh time
The Purim holiday
You can bet I'm
gonna get mine
My favorite pastry with some cafe ole

The King's on the throne and Esther's the Queen
Living in Shushan's the best that it's been
Make your noisemakers the loudest you can
One more time... Haman!

Hamentosh time is a nosh time
The Purim holiday
It's a swell time almost springtime
So give Mordechai a hip-hooray!

Swingin from the gallows
Swingin on the floor
Swingin around the clock
Mix & mingle
if you're married or you're single
That's the Hamentosh
Time to get a nosh
That's the Hamentosh - Rock

Politically Correct Megillah


Chapter I

And it came to pass in the third year of the reign of Achashverosh, King of
Persia, that the King threw a great party. And it was during that party,
that the King became intoxicated and called for his wife Vashti to come
dance naked in front of the guests. Now, Vashti was a liberated woman, and
was not at all ashamed to display her body in public ("my body, my choice,"
she used to say). But she was certainly not going to do so at the behest of
a male chauvinist like her husband. So she refused to appear, and the
following morning, in addition to a major hangover, Achashverosh had one
royal-size sexual harassment suit waiting for him. Public opinion quickly
turned against the King, and he was forced to settle out of court for an
undisclosed sum of money.

Chapter II

It was after those events that the King missed Vashti, and wanted to find a
new wife. He consulted his inner circle of advisors, which, in accordance
with multi-cultural practices, consisted of, among others, one woman, one
Indian, one Ethiopian, and one handicapped person, who was also rumored to
be gay. One of his advisors, Memoochan, suggested holding a beauty contest,
attended by all the fairest maidens in the land. But his female advisor
informed him that Memoochan was a Neanderthal living in the dark ages, and
that beauty contests where men gawk at women walking around in swimsuits
had long ago gone out of fashion. Instead, she suggested giving a test in
such subjects as physics, literature and music, and the most intelligent
woman would be made queen. And the King, already lagging in the public
opinion polls, had no choice, and he said to make it so.

Now is just so happened that in the Kingdom of Persia there lived a young
Jewish girl named Esther who was very beautiful, but much more importantly,
had a 195 IQ. Having successfully sued her parents for termination of
custody, she had been living with her uncle Mordechai. Esther aced the test
and was chosen to be the new queen. Only, the homosexual community objected
the word "queen", and the feminists didn't like the whole gender-based
title thing, so it was decided that she would just be called "Royal
Person." So Esther was crowned Royal Person of Persia and was married to
King Achashverosh, though she kept her own last name. And being that Esther
was an intelligent woman in her own right, and had no intention whatsoever
of sitting quietly next to the King looking pretty, she was given her own
staff of 15 and an office in the west wing of the palace.

Chapter III

It was after those events that King Achashverosh elevated his advisor Haman
to be his chief advisor. There were some protests by the African-Persian
community because he hadn't selected an African Persian to be his top
advisor, by the appointment went through anyway. It turned out the Haman
was a big anti-Semite, and he asked the King's permission to kill all the
Jews, which he got. So Haman sent out a proclamation to all the lands in
the kingdom outlining his plan. Distressed, the Jews sought a court-issued
injunction to stop Haman from sending it. But Haman was defended by the
head of the Persian Civil Liberties Union, who ironically was also Jewish,
and who claimed that the injunction would violate Haman's right to free
speech. And the injunction was not issued, so the proclamation was sent.

Chapter IV

And Mordechai knew of all that had happened, and he donned a black ribbon
as a sign of morning. And Esther sent a messenger to Mordechai to console
him, but he would not be consoled. Then Mordechai sent word back to Esther
that she should go the King and ask him to stop the impending killing of
all the Jews. Esther replied that other social issues, such as the
environment and harassment in the workplace were more pressing, but
Mordechai persuaded her as to the urgency of the matter, and she agreed.
Mordechai suggested calling all the Jews to synagogue for three days of
fasting and prayers, but Esther thought that was way outdated, and instead
called for a non-denominational candlelight vigil, and it was so.

Chapter V

And it came to pass on the third day that Esther put on her smartest
business suit and went to see the King. The King offered Esther up to half
his assets, which he was actually required to give her anyway, based on
their pre-nup. Esther told the King that she had come to invite him and
Haman to a big party she was throwing the next day. The King was very
excited, and both he and Haman showed up to Royal Person Esther's party.
The King, for his part, was careful not to violate the out-of-court
settlement he had made with Vashti, and there was none of that "dance
naked" stuff that night. The party was a big hit, with performances by
Fleetwood Mac and crowd favorite Barbra Streissand. And Esther informed the
King that both he and Haman were also invited to her next party, being
thrown the following day on Martha's Vineyard. Upon leaving the party,
Haman spotted his old nemesis Mordechai, which ruined his night. Haman's
wife advised Haman to build a gallows 50 amot tall and ask the King to have
Mordechai hanged the next day. She further advised him to quit referring to
her as "Haman's Wife." And he built the gallows.

Chapter VI

That night, the King had trouble sleeping. He called for his servants to
bring him a video to watch, but since having gotten rid of all his stag
films as part of his sensitivity training following the Vashti debacle, all
they had left were a bunch of movies filmed in Montana and produced by
Robert Redford. So they brought him the royal archives instead, and there
he read that Mordechai had done him a big favor a few years back. Just
then, Haman came in, and the King asked him what to do for someone to whom
he owed a favor. Haman suggested maybe an ambassadorship to some
insignificant but warm-climate country, or maybe letting him spend a night
in the palace's "Lincoln Bedroom." But the King decided to have Haman lead
Mordechai around on a horse throughout the streets of Shushan. However, the
animal rights activists got wind of the King's plan, and they went nuts, so
it was decided that Haman would just lead Mordechai around on foot. And it
was so. When he was done leading Mordechai around, Haman walked home,
despondent. But no sooner had he returned home than the King's messengers
arrived to bring him to Esther's second party. Haman's wife realized that
her husband was doomed and commented that she had always known he wound
never amount to anything.

Chapter VII

And the King and Haman came to drink with Royal Person Esther. And it was
during the party that Esther shocked the King by telling him that someone
in that very room was plotting to kill her and all the other Jews. "Who is
that man?" yelled the King. To which Esther replied "What makes you so sure
it's a man? You don't think that a women is capable of killing all the
Jewish people?" After an awkward silence, Esther told the King that is was,
in fact, a man, and it was none other than his chief advisor Haman! The
King stormed out in a fit a rage and meanwhile Haman begged at Esther's
feet for her to spare his life. He told her how he had grown up in a broken
home, was raised by a crack-selling mother and had never had a normal
childhood. Esther declared Haman to be a product of society's failure to
protect its children. So Haman's crime of "attempted genocide" was reduced
to "issuing proclamations without a license" and he was given the
relatively light sentence of five-to-seven years. After serving just two
years of that sentence, he was given time off for good behavior and
paroled. And the following year, the residents of Shushan elected Haman as
their mayor, his being a felon notwithstanding. Meanwhile, Esther convinced
the King to come to terms with his anger and latent feelings of hostility
towards women, and the King entered a 12-step program and when he was
through, his anger had subsided.

Chapter VIII

That day, the King gave Esther Haman's house, and she told the King that
Mordechai was her uncle. And Mordechai asked the King's permission for the
Jews to rise up and kill their enemies. But Esther would have no such
thing, and instead, she arranged for a dialog being the Jewish leaders and
the leaders of the people of Shushan. And while they couldn't overcome all
their differences, they did agree to joint-author a letter of mutual
acceptance and tolerance.

Chapter IX

And in the twelfth month, the month of Adar, on the day when the Jews were
supposed to have been exterminated, the Jews held a three-day conference of
the Leaders of Jewish Organizations. And during that conference, they
agreed that a holiday should be established-the holiday of Purim. A holiday
of charity and gift-giving. A holiday of brotherly love. A holiday where
alternate-side-of-the-street parking rules would be suspended. A holiday
where Jewish kids could dress up like Ninja Turtles and Power Rangers and
not have to feel that they had missed out on something by not celebrating
Halloween. And a proclamation was sent out to all the King's lands, in all
127 languages, plus Ebonics. And the Jews were careful not to mention G-d's
name, lest any of the gentiles be offended.

Chapter X

And King Achashverosh-the kinder and gentler King Achashverosh--levied a
tax across the land, to raise money to pay for welfare and public
television. And the great deeds of Royal Person Esther and her uncle
Mordechai were duly recorded in the annals of Persia.
================================================


The Purim Episodes of Prime Time TV Shows (a little old, but still funny)

Every year, prime-time television shows have their Christmas episodes and
their Halloween episodes. Well, this year, Jewish leaders have petitioned
the networks to create Purim episodes for their top hits as well. The
networks have agreed, and what follows are the plots for the upcoming Purim
episodes of a number of popular TV shows.

NYPD Blue:
In a sequel to the "Sefer Torah" episode, a group of chassidim come to the
precinct to report that their Megiallah has been stolen. Sipowicz comments
that "them Jews sure use a lot of scrolls," then goes undercover once again
as a chasid to catch the culprit. At one point, tensions arise between the
Rabbi and Lt. Fancy, who is accused of not doing enough to help the
chassidim because he is black. Meanwhile, Kirkendahl and Medavoy pursue a
serial killer who has been attacking his victims dressed up as Haman. The
suspect is captured, and he turns out to be a schizophrenic, who actually
believes himself to be Haman. Jill, playing along with his delusion, comes
in to the coffee room dressed as queen Esther, at which point the killer
confesses and begs for mercy.


Law and Order:
A man walks into the local Jewish bakery to buy some bread. As his
approaches the counter, he notices that the owner has been shot and killed.
He screams. Curtis and Briscoe come to check out the crime scene, and note
that all the hamentachen have been stolen. After wasting about 20 minutes
pursuing false leads, they eventually arrest a suspect. The suspect is
charged with murder. McCoy meets with the suspect's lawyer and offers
Murder 2, 20-to-life. The lawyer responds by handing McCoy a motion to
suppress the recovered hamentachen, on which the suspects fingerprints were
found. It turns out that Lenny had eaten one of the hamentachen prior to
making the arrest, and the lawyer claims that it might have had the
fingerprints of the real murderer. Despite the ludicrousness of the claim,
the judge grants the motion. McCoy is determined to figure out a way to get
his man. His assistant grimly states that conspiracy to steal baked goods
is only a C-felony. To which McCoy responds "yes, but some of the
hamentachen were poppy, which is used to make opium, and drug trafficking
carries a sentence of 15-to-life. At the trial, the defense council tries
to make an issue out of the fact the Lenny has a Jewish father, and things
turn ugly. The defendant is convicted, and on the way down the courthouse
steps, Adam Schiff remarks wryly that "every generation has its Haman."


Friends:
Ross throws a big Purim party for all his friends. Upon hearing that it's a
costume party, Joey announces his plan to come as a eunuch because, he says
slyly, "He's the one who guards the harem." Monica and Rachel get drunk
while baking the hamentachen and as a prank, add laxatives to the batter.
Chandler shows up at the costume store to pick up his Dracula costume, but
is given an Elvira costume instead. He doesn't realize and wears it to the
party, which further convinces all his friends that he's gay. Meanwhile,
Monica and Rachel have realized what they did, but the tainted hamantachen
have already been put out. Rachel, dressed as Queen Vashti, distracts the
crowd, while Monica switches the hamentachen. She finishes just in time to
save Rachel, who's been doing her best to stall. Ross has a flashback to an
earlier Purim party where he came dressed as King Achashverosh and Rachel
came as Queen Esther. Their eyes met from across the room, but before he
could make his move, another guy dressed as Haman asked her to dance. Joey
is confused at his inability to pick up women, and Chandler finally
explains to him exactly what a eunuch is. Joey responds by saying "oooooh."
At the end of the evening Phoebe plays her new Purim song on the guitar:
Eat those hamentachen / Don't worry that you're noshin' / And don't think
that I'm joshin' / You can eat those hamentahen.


E.R.:
Mark confronts old daemons arising from the time he sent his agnostic
Jewish father Mishloach Manot and had it returned to sender. Meanwhile, a
whole group of senior citizens from the Beth Jacob Home for the Elderly
show up with severe diarrhea, having indulged in too many prune hamantachen
at the annual Purim party. After being prodded by the nurses, Carter agrees
to dress up as King Achachverosh to entertain the Jewish children in the
pediatric ward. Anna, mistakenly thinking that it is her boyfriend dressed
up as the King, drags Carter into one of the surgical supply closets. When
she finds that it was indeed Carter, she realizes that they were meant to
be together.


Chicago Hope:
Oh please, who really cares?!


The Simpsons:
After convincing a parol board that he is rehabilitated, Sideshow Bob is
released from prison and is later appointed as Deputy Mayor. As he walks
around Springfield, he notices that Krusty's father, Rabbi Krustovsky,
doesn't say hello to him. Insulted, he convinces Mayor Quimby to expel all
the Jews from Springfield. Kent Borckman sadly reports the news, then
comments that the station is looking for a new writer, a new director, and
a new producer. At the Qwickie Mart, Apu comments to Marge that "for once
someone is getting persecuted and it's not me." Smithers remarks to Mr.
Burns that he hates to see any minority group being hurt since he "knows
how it feels." Marge says that this reminds her of "The Diary of Anne
Frank," at which point Homer salivates as he pictures a nice juicy hot dog
and thinks 'uhluhluhluhl, frank." Meanwhile, Lisa comments how
"discrimination hurts all of us, not just the Jews" and urges Bart to "do
something." Bart hatches a plan. He gets Rabbi Krustovsky to have his niece
Marilyn get romantically involved with the Mayor, which she does. Marilyn
then reveals to the Mayor that she's Jewish and the Mayor decrees that "the
Jews shall remain in Springfield--which itself sounds like a Jewish name."
Police Chief Wiggum, ready to carry out the expulsion, tells his men to
resume their normal duties, at which point they all start eating doughnuts.
Mayor Quimby instructs Chief Wiggum to arrest Sideshow Bob. Sideshow Bob
tries to run away, but Bart trips him. As he's being led away he swears
"revenge, sweet sweet revenge" on Bart. Guest appearances by Kelsey Grammer
as Sideshow Bob, Jackie Mason as Rabbi Krustovsky, and Debra Winger as
Marilyn.


The Drew Carey Show:
On Purim night, Drew and the gang drive a truckload of Buzz Beer over to
the Telz Yeshiva High School for Boys. Having heard about Drew's plans,
Mimi shows up as well; despite having come in her everyday clothes, she
wins the contest for best costume. During Megillah reading, Oswald giggles
uncontrollably every time the ba'al koreh says the name "Memoochan."
Afterward, as the students get drunk on Buzz Beer, one of them comments to
Kate that she's one good looking shiksa. The party is raucous and wild, and
at the end a drunken Drew-who has come dressed as the Browns' mascot-is
made an honorary Jew and given a Telz jacket.


The X Files:
Mulder and Scully are sent to an old Jewish community in the South where,
for the past four years a Jew has been viciously murdered on Purim night.
They talk to the local Rabbi, who says that he knows who's doing the
killing, but that the local police won't listen to him. He relays to them
an old midrash that states that while Haman's ten sons were all hanged by
Mordechai, the next morning, only nine bodies were found hanging from the
trees--Haman's son Dalphon had mysteriously disappeared. The Rabbi further
quotes the midrash as saying that Dalphon was granted eternal life by the
Devil in exchange for killing a Jew every Purim night. The Rabbi says that
there is a man in town named Jack Dalphon, who he's sure is the second son
of Haman and is the one committing the murders. Scully is skeptical of this
old Jewish legend, but Mulder believes it. They question Jack Dalphon but
can't pin the murders on him. The next night--Purim night--is cold and
stormy. Mulder and Scully stand outside the synagogue as the congregants
leave after Megillah reading. They notice Jack Dalphon following an old
Jewish man. They approach him and he takes off. They chase him through an
abandoned warehouse, and Jack tries to escape by jumping into the elevator
shaft. But his head gets caught in the cable, and he is instantly hanged.
Mulder and Scully go call the police, but when they return to cut down the
body, Dalphon is gone. Spooky music...


Beverly Hills 90210:
Andrea decides to throw a big Purim party at the Peach Pit. During the
party, Donna is decidedly melancholy. When confronted by Steve, she reveals
that her first true love was Jewish, but that his parents wouldn't let him
continue to see her; they broke up on Purim. Kelly brings a gorgeous date
to party, but while she is in the bathroom, Valerie makes an offhanded
comment that Kelly's AIDS treatment is going very well. When the boyfriend
drops her off, he declines her offer for a kiss goodnight.


Mad About You:
Paul's parents are nervous about the upcoming Purim seudah with Jamie's
parents, who are gentile. "We're celebrating the fact that our ancestors
killed their ancestors", worries Paul's mother. The evening does, in fact,
get off to a disastrous start when Paul's mother overhears Jamie's mother
complaining how the Jews have too many holidays and Jamie's sister Lisa
shows up dressed as Grand Inquisitor Torqemadah. In the end, the tension is
relieved when they all laugh upon discovering that Murry ate the entire
Turkey while the family was busy trying to get Mabel into her bunny
costume. The Buckmans and Stempels decide to have their seudah at Jamie and
Paul's favorite restaurant, where a confused Ursula accidentally brings
them the roast pig.


Ally McBeal:
On Purim day, Ally has a series of crises in which she is abusive to her
secretary Elaine, worries aloud to her roommate that she will never find
Mr. Right, has a personal conversation in the bathroom which is overheard
by Richard Fish who's hiding in one of the stalls, and recalls an old
intimate moment with Billy. This doesn't actually have anything to do with
Purim-it's basically the plot of every episode.
--------------------------------------------
Shushan on Purim
to the tune of the song "Copa Cabana"

Her name was Vashti, she was his show girl
She was the jewel in his crown, even though he got around
His royal highness, drunk at his party
Told her to bare it all, but she wouldn't heed his call
Didn't like what she said, honor cost her her head
The point of this all being that the king re-wed

Back in Shushan, Shushan on Purim
Monarchs weren't much for decorum
In Shushan, Shushan on Purim
The king's every passion, was always the fashion
Back in Shushan, he axed his love

Her name was Esther, she was of our tribe
With help from Uncle Mordecai, she gave being queen a try
Went to the pageant, king looked her over
And Esther was so fair, that the others had no prayer
He told his chaimberlain, no need to look again
And took her back to palace right there and then

Back in Shushan, Shushan on Purim
The King found someone to adore him
In Shushan, Shushan on Purim
Days full of bliss, with a lovely Jewess
Back in Shushan, he fell in love

His name was Haman, he was quite evil
He was the king's right-hand man, and he hatched a deadly plan
Talked to the king and, he won him over
There's some people who won't bow, must get rid of them right now
And when he sold his lie, planned to hang Mordecai
And drew lots for the day that we all would die

Back in Shushan, Shushan on Purim
We didn't get much of a forum
In Shushan, Shushan on Purim
Haman's evil scheming soon could be leading
To Shushan, drenched in our blood.....

Shushan on Purim, Shushan on Purim.....

Her uncle told her, she was our last chance
She would have to see the king, and tell him everything
But Achashverous, was no New-Ager
If his sceptre wasn't out, she was through no doubt
But the king loved her so, to dinner he would go
And the tables would turn on Haman now Ach was in the know

Back in Shushan, Shushan on Purim
Haman built gallows used for him
In Shushan, Shushan on Purim
Esther saved us all when she answered our call
Back in Shushan, thank G-d for love.

1 comment:

Rivster said...

Um...wow!!! These are great. Can I use these on my blog??? With proper attribution, of course :)